Dad Jokes That Are Actually Historically Accurate
By H.D. Ingles
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “H.D., dad jokes and history don’t mix.” Well, friend, pull up a rocker and let me set you straight. I’ve been telling jokes long enough to know that the best ones have roots — and some of mine go all the way back to the history books. Don’t believe me? Read on. I’ve done the research so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.
Why did Julius Caesar refuse to go to the party?
Because someone told him it was going to be a stab in the dark.
Laugh if you want, but the man was betrayed by 23 senators on March 15, 44 B.C. Et tu, punchline?
I asked my friend if he knew anything about the Boston Tea Party.
He said, “I wasn’t invited.”
I said, “Neither were the British — but they showed up anyway.”
That’s historically accurate AND a zinger. Samuel Adams himself would’ve appreciated that one. Probably over a cold one.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Now, this one’s been around the block, but here’s the historical kicker: John Dalton published his atomic theory in 1803, and folks have been skeptical of atoms ever since. So technically, this joke is over two hundred years old. That makes it practically a relic. Like me.
What do you call a Roman emperor with a head cold?
Julius Sneezer.
Go ahead, groan. But the Roman Empire really did fall partly due to disease outbreaks — plague swept through three separate times in the first few centuries A.D. So really, the sneezing wasn’t funny at all.
Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belts on their hats.
Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn’t lie.
This one practically writes itself.
What did the colonists say when the British taxed their tea?
“This is un-BREW-lievable.”
Look, I’m not saying I was there. I’m just saying that if I had been, that would’ve been my contribution to the revolution. Patrick Henry got “Give me liberty or give me death.” I’d have had “Un-brew-lievable.”
Why did Napoleon always lose at chess?
Every time he got in trouble, he started looking for a boat to Elba..
What did Abraham Lincoln say after a long week?
“I could really use a night out.”
Too soon?
Now, some of you out there are thinking, “H.D., those aren’t ALL historically accurate.” And to you I say: you’re right. Maybe thirty percent of these are airtight. But that’s about the same accuracy rate as most history textbooks these days, so I figure we’re even.
History is full of characters who were just as ornery, stubborn, bewildered, and flat-out funny as the rest of us. The only difference is somebody wrote it down.
I’m just doing my part.
H.D. Ingles is a humorist, author, and the man behind RUNutsNetwork.com — Official Merch for the Officially Nuts. If you found this post mildly educational and at least somewhat amusing, well, that’s just about the highest compliment he knows how to take.
